Party Rhetoric

Beverage parties are sweeping the nation. Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard of the tea party phenomenon. Originally a grassroots movement of fiscal hawks, the Tea Party movement quickly morphed into a angry mob coopted by misspellers, racists, nut jobs, and even racist misspellers.

But since those good old days of misdirected bigoted outrage, the movement has been under fire from splinter cells and the liberal media. Some claimed that asking $549 to attend a convention to celebrate fiscal discipline was disingenuous. Some wondered who would sponsor the ultimate tea party platform? The convention was sponsored by Tea party nation, a for-profit group. Like any family reunion, though, it was not without its drama. Tea Party Patriots, boycotted the event, saying that her sister Tea Party nation was "hogging all the attention". Tax Day Tea Party wanted to come, but thought that exposing his children to 1776 Tea party's life partner (America's Re-Tea party) would be unhealthy for them. The Tea Party Express and American Tea Party were both there, which was awkward since the divorce. And when FreedomWorks Tea Party arrived late and drunk, he was asked to leave. He hasn't been doing well since his wife left him for the Coffe Party USA.

And who could blame him? She was obviously taken in by a cult of some sort. Advocating cooperation in government? And a platform of participatory democracy and non-obstructionism? Sponsorship from CNN? Bah. Where is the flag waving? And yelling? No signs or angry anti-government speeches? Some movement. Its like she left the Bundy's for the Cosby's. The Simpsons for the Waltons. I find the whole idea of the coffee party ridiculous. There's a reason that Married with Children was terrible but long-lived. It had sex appeal and irreverence. Nobody wants to sit down and calmly discuss their differences with tolerance and mutual respect. That's for Canadians.

I worry for the future. The coffee party movement has the advantage of positive recall. I don't drink tea: I don't drink coffee either. But I used identify coffee drinkers as the hip crowd who would get to stay out late. They would probably grow up to play acoustic guitar and ride trains across India and give their kids names like Rhys and Daria, and shop at Whole Foods.

When I think of a tea party, I picture little girls sitting around a table with their dolls and father who is frustrated at not having had a boy. When I think of a coffee party, I think of people who are otherwise to dull to stay alert on their own.

Is this what I am resigned to? Is this the spectrum of real political affiliation nowadays? As I see it my choices are tea or coffee; fringe lunacy or mind numbing politeness. I know I come down heavy on the tea party movement, but at least they have a recipe for success.

Our bevero-political groups are playing a dangerous game of hot drink one-upsmanship. Boilling water proliferation is at an all time high. We should act fast. Liberals are already rallying around the coffee movement, a decidedly reactionary, but intellectually productive drink. In a cave somewhere, there's probably a clandestine meeting of rebels forming a soft drink alliance. Before we know it, we will see a veritable soda fountain of political movements in various stages of media coverage, and there will be Coke parties everywhere.

It's only a matter of time until someone else skips over soda entirely and into the realm of libations. This would be mostly to the detriment of the Tea Party. The Coffee Party movement would be at a distinct strategic advantage. They could coalesce with the post meal aperitifs, your Kahluas, Kemoras, and other wealthy industrialists, whose power base is in the Northeast. Through espresso stouts and coffee porters, they could join up with the lagers and ales and evolve to caucus with the Keg Party. It would only be natural that they find common ground with the Tonic Allegiance of Gins and Vodkas, and become an important group to woo in an adult beverage dominated Congress. Very quickly the Tea party would find itself bereft of mixers and left to broker entrance into the narrow ideological sway of the Hot Toddy Spectrum. Our beloved two party system could end up a parliamentary open bar gone mad.

What would that leave the Tea Party Movement to do?

It is only reasonable to find a beverage that unites other movements under a common umbrella. Alcohol, after all, is the universal solvent. What better a symbol to promote Tea Party platform, subject to paranoia and fits of emotional outbursts than consuming a distilled spirit? They seem to hate socialists, so vodka is out (if you don't like it, move to Russia). Scotch and gin are too British - the Tea Party moniker makes that association untenable. Tequila? Only if it learns English first and promises not to take our jobs. Rum is a good idea, and has the benefit of domestic production. But it comes in too many dark varieties; even the lighter colored ones are viewed with suspicion.

This leaves us with the only obvious choice: whiskey. You can drink it straight, or you can mix it with coke or ginger ale or seven up. You can make cosmopolitans, long island ice teas; whiskey sours, old fashioneds, and boilermakers. Its hip, trendy, cool, and full of positive name recognition. It will bring at least enough drink combinations to avoid invoking cloture.

I even have a new name for the Tea Party movement: the Whiskey Rebellion. I'm thinking that they can hold their next convention at the Jack Daniels distillery. What better location to hold a Whiskey Rebellion? The schizophrenic nature of a distillery town that banned the sale of alcohol is a natural backdrop for the movement.

Still, aren't there any other options? Ahh. If they could only schedule a mixer. At least that's a party I would consider attending.